Last year has been a challenge for my mind and I couldn´t be prouder of how I handled it but in this text I want to focus on my body.
BIG Shoot-out and thanks to my body!! That been pregnant three times in a year thanks to the IVF-process, the best doctors, injections, pills, hormones, a lot of luck and the motivation of a dream.
One year ago my body was in labour for 21 hours, took the worst pain without painkillers because the hospital fu#%ed up. When we finally arrived home after three days of terror my breast started swelling and leaking milk. The doctors had forgotten to give it pills to stop the milk production. My body lost a lot of blood. I was recovering at home and me and Gianluca locked the world outside for 10 days to recover the loss of the most beautiful thing we never even saw. Thank you body for accepting to wear diapers for grownups, for taking all kinds of medications trying to recover and for being ok with all the check-ups inside my vagina. Thank you also for giving me back my menstruation around 8 weeks after the loss in February 2018. It felt like a long time then but now I understand you did everything you could , as fast as you could and i see now that you were fighting like crazy so THANK YOU BODY!
MY BODY IS A SUPERHERO and it got pregnant a second time in the month of May 2018. A positive test and then only 3 days later a big bleeding and we realized we lost it again. For two weeks we were sad and since I kept on bleeding my Swedish doctor told me to see a doctor in Italy, to make sure that everything was out and nothing stuck on the inside. We went to the doctor, Gianluca went out of the room to make a call to arrange a bloodtest and the doctor did an ultrasound. She looked for a couple of seconds and then she gave me the biggest surprise of my life: “this is a full ongoing pregnancy, that´s the heart you see there!”. I couldn´t believe it . After the first chock I screamed to Gianluca to get back into the room. He ran in and we told him, IT`S ALIVE!!!! It was about 6-7 weeks and we were filled with hope and happiness.
I was told by the doctor to be totally still and when I get told to do something I do it not only good but like a pro. My body got the order to not move and my body followed these orders like if it had a bullet put to it´s head. A maximum challenge for muscles, ligaments, lunges and a mind used to move and when we got back two weeks later the little nugget had grown and again we saw the heartbeat. Everything developed as normal and they could see that it was just the right size for it´s 9 weeks.YES!! I kept on being totally still, packing my body with hormones and then we went back to the doctor to have a new look, the same day as we went into the 12th week of pregnancy. Gianluca was worried but the doctor told him to relax, “it´s a minimum risk when we have seen the heartbeat like this and when it´s been growing perfectly”. She put the ultrasound on the stomach and her reaction said it all: “wait a second, I need to take a look from another angle”. No hearbeat and she could see that it stopped growing about 10 days earlier. Another loss. Not even close to Rocky of course but in the way it was done was really cruel.
I want to thank my body for getting on a flight to Sweden together with Gianluca, for letting go and being taken care of by the nicest nurses and doctors in the hospital, going through a small surgery and anesthesia to get the foster out. It was a sad , sad trip to Sweden and the hospital but it was the same hospital where I wanted to give birth the day we get a kid so on the way home after the surgery I said to Gianluca: Now we really got the vision and the picture of our dream. The dream is to come back here to give birth. To walk into this building being 9 months pregnant and knowing that we soon gonna meet our child and a little sister or brother to Rocky, that is the dream!!
A couple of months later my body gave me back my menstruation. Also that time it felt like a long time, the wait for the menstruation but when I look back at it I understand how fantastic you were body and how hard you must have been working the get the system back on track a third time.
Thank you body for trusting the doctors and the inner voice telling me, not only physically but also mentally: I´M READY TO TRY AGAIN! IMMEDIATELY!
Thank you for doing the whole IVF-process once again, the same month as the menstruation returned after the second loss, in september 2018. The injections in the stomach every evening to prepare the eggs, the small surgery to take them out after a couple of weeks, putting in an embryo a couple of days later, waiting for the testday for 18 days and then BOOM , third time pregnant in a year! Pregnant with two losses in the backpack means another three full months of hormones to give every chance to this third one to make it. And now, here we are again.
My body is working together with me. It´s been pregnant for about 1,5 years now , without a kid but it is still cooperating. My hair doesn´t really to be honest. It´s like paper and a challenge even to Gianluca. I have had pigment spots in my face, hemorrhoids, stretched stomach muscles, lack of iron and I have been throwing up in the beginning of all three pregnancys but only the first weeks. The dream of a kid has pushed the limits of my body but it´s a body that never ever backs off. It´s healthy, strong and filled with energy. And even if it´s some kilos extra now and not as strong as when I was an professional athlete I do some training, walk walks , coach football teams, work with clients and I´m so proud to say that this body is still a body that I recognize as mine. My body is a superhero. And it has always been.
It´s been a process the whole last year and we been trying to handle it with accepting all emotions. The fear has been present in different shapes and they have continuously changed during the way. I will write more about it on my blog later but we went through the fear of not feeling the same connection to this new one as to the last one, the fear of not giving into this one because of the fear of losing again, the fear of forgetting the first but also the fear of remembering him to much and by doing that putting a burden on the chilled greek/Italian growing in my stomach.
But in the end we faced it all. Accepted every feeling and kicked it´s ass. We really have. I´m so proud of myself and Gianluca. Thankful to have the best doctors and nurses in the world and the most supportive family and friends! Thankful to Rocky for giving us the idea about how much love you can feel for something that´s a part of you and for giving us the strength to keep on going, whatever happened we just kept on going. And I´m thankful to my Body. MY BODY IS A SUPERHERO!!!!!!